How to Keep a Marriage Proposal a Surprise
Updated: 2 days ago
You have the ring, the location, maybe even a photographer ready to shoot from behind a bush. But you want to get your partner to your ideal spot without making them wonder why you suddenly care very deeply about taking a walk at 5:15 on a Tuesday. These set ups are one of the things I talk about most with people planning surprise proposals. The best ruse isn't necessarily the most clever one; it is often simple, routine, and something your partner will believe.
Routine Is Your Secret Weapon
If you regularly hike together, go for a hike. If you walk the dog on the beach every weekend, go to the beach. If Friday night usually means dinner somewhere, make the proposal part of Friday night. The less unusual the activity is, the less explaining you have to do.
The catch is that routine plans are easy to change. If your partner wakes up and doesn't feel like hiking, what is your backup plan?
If It's Out of the Ordinary, Give It a Story
If, on the other hand, you decide to pop the question on a private rooftop, a tower at an expensive wine tasting in Napa or on a hot-air balloon ride, your set-up story may require some explanation. Keep the story simple and plausible.
The gift certificate: You won it, received it from work or were given it by someone who couldn't use it.
The invitation: Friends invited you to a tasting, event, party or dinner, and you are meeting them there.
The recommendation: Someone told you about a restaurant, winery, trail or view and you have been wanting to try it.
The celebration: You got a promotion, finished a project, have an anniversary coming up or simply decided you were overdue for a good dinner date.
The visiting-friend excuse: Someone is coming to town and wants to do something touristy, so you suggest checking it out beforehand.
The reservation you couldn't get: You've been trying to get into a restaurant or winery and a reservation suddenly opened up.
You don't need an elaborate story with supporting characters and documentation. You need a believable answer to, “Why are we doing this?”
Create a Destination Story
This is one of my favorite ruses because your partner thinks you are going somewhere else (yes, I'm suggesting a little fibbing). Perhaps you are going to dinner, meeting friends for drinks, heading to a birthday party or checking into a hotel. The proposal will happen along the way, and you already have somewhere to go afterward to celebrate.
Get dropped off a few blocks away because you want to walk and take the scenic path. Or stop at an overlook because you are early. Suggest a drink on the roof before dinner. The idea is to have your partner thinking you are going somewhere else and the proposal spot becomes a stop along the way.
Blame Someone Else
Sometimes the easiest ruse is to make the plan somebody else's idea. Say your sister wants everyone to meet for drinks, or a friend made the reservation (you will need to recruit those friends into your plan), or your parents gave you a hotel night, or someone from work organized a wine tasting.
This kind of set-up has another advantage: when you say, “We really need to leave by 4:30,” there is a reason because someone else is supposedly waiting for you. Choose your accomplice carefully, however... some people are terrible at keeping secrets!
Put a Bigger Romantic Event on the Calendar
If your partner already suspects a proposal is coming (which, if you have discussed your lives together, they likely will), give them an obvious special occasion where they might suspect you will pop the question. Plan a weekend away next month, or make a reservation at a romantic restaurant for your anniversary or talk about an upcoming trip. Then propose two weeks earlier. In this scenario, you are not trying to convince them you are not going to propose, but are giving them the joy of a timing surprise.
Recreate an Early Date
This one barely needs a ruse because you already have a reason to go. Go back to the restaurant where you had your first date, the beach where you spent an early afternoon together, a favorite trail or the neighborhood where you met. “I thought it would be fun to go back” is a perfectly good explanation, and you don't have to remember an elaborate cover story while carrying an engagement ring in your sock.
Make the Photographer Part of the Story
Sometimes getting your partner to the location is easy, but having a photographer pointing a lens at you will be an instant giveaway. A few ways around this are to say you have booked a quick portrait session because your mother wants a good picture of the two of you or maybe for a holiday card photo. If you are proposing at a hotel or winery, I often pretend to be part of the "marketing team", photographing the property.
Or we use decoys. Often I bring along people to “photograph” while I wait for the couple to arrive. I look completely occupied with my portrait session until the proposal starts and this way your partner will not suspect the lens is pointed at the two of you.
The cover story has to fit you. If you have refused every suggestion of professional photographs for the past decade, suddenly announcing that you have booked a couple's session may be your biggest giveaway.
Use the Activity to Hide the Plan
Some activities will provide their own cover.
Book the hot-air balloon ride because have always wanted to do it. Have me waiting when you land.
Take a boat ride and arrange for the proposal to happen when you reach a particular dock.
Go wine tasting and have a reservation for dinner afterward, with the proposal somewhere between the two (many wineries have a fee for a proposal set-up and require you to work with their team).
Visit a museum or garden you have been meaning to see, with the proposal planned for a particular spot along the way.
The activity alone gets your partner there so you don't have any explaining to do.
Don't Let the Setup Give You Away
You may have come up with the perfect story to get your partner to the right place, only to have them walk around the corner and find champagne, flowers and an otherwise mysteriously empty rooftop waiting for them. Flowers, champagne and decorations are lovely, but they are also a good indication that something is about to happen.
If keeping the proposal a surprise is important, think about whether those things can appear afterward. Perhaps you can have the champagne brought out once you have proposed and you can have the flowers somewhere out of sight. If you have rented a private space, think about what your partner will see as you approach it.
If you have a photographer, work with them on timing, on where they will be, or what the story is to explain their presence. The ruse only has to last until you get down on one knee- don't give yourself away before you are ready.
Keep the Ruse Simple
The more details you invent, the more details you have to remember. You don't need to create an elaborate fictional universe. You need a reason to be somewhere, a reason to be there at roughly the right time and, if necessary, a reason for the photographer to be there too. After that, focus only on what you will say and how much you will have to celebrate!
Planning a Surprise Proposal?
Already have the proposal itself planned but can't figure out how to get your partner there without giving it away? This is exactly the kind of problem I like solving. Tell me where you want to propose and a little about the two of you, and we'll come up with a plan they'll actually believe.
And if you are still figuring out the proposal itself, [read my guide to planning a proposal].
FAQ's
How do you keep a marriage proposal a surprise? Keep the day as close to your normal routine as possible. If the proposal requires an unusual activity or location, have a simple, believable reason for being there.
How do you get someone to a surprise proposal location? Give them another destination: dinner, drinks, a hotel, a hike or meeting friends. The proposal location can be a natural stop along the way.
How can a proposal photographer stay hidden? A photographer can blend in with tourists, photograph a decoy, stay farther away with a longer lens or, at a hotel or winery, appear to be photographing the property.
Jody Holman is a San Francisco Bay Area photographer specializing in surprise proposals, weddings and natural, editorial-style portraits. Based in Pacifica, she photographs proposals throughout San Francisco, Napa, Sonoma, Half Moon Bay and the California coast, and helps clients with everything from choosing a location and timing the light to figuring out a believable ruse that keeps the proposal a surprise.
